Turning 25

I was terrified of turning 25. It would be a moment of reckoning. Whatever state of accomplishment at the quarter century mark would be a litmus test result of my self worth.

That dreaded date has finally come, and it's not as bad I thought. Maybe that's because I feel better about where I'm at in life. I'm certainly glad to have moved on from Apple and to have settled into the university life. The prospects head feel good.

Does this contentment come only because my plans are "under control?" How swiftly they can change! Already I feel cracks of potential tension. My health has flashed warning signs and I can almost predict that it will wreck havoc on my schooling. My income is limited. I've been told that I'll do well in school, but of that there is no guarantee. I've ruined my potential many times in the past, and that can certainly happen again.

This last year has been a season of letting go, of new vistas, and of small blessings. I've said goodbye for good to long held career ambitions at Apple. I've had an important trip cancelled at the last minute. My health has been violate, leaving major repercussions. But I'm happy with the small, local school that seems just right for my needs. I've received satisfying success in my writing. I've been given a ministry at church that suits me so very well. Crowded amongst these major events events are countless small blessings; an unexpectedly lovely week with Malcolm Guite, friendships both new and renewed, a room filled with bookshelves and art.

Ah, things. All very good, of that there is no question. They are gifts that our Creator gives us, and we see His hand of blessing through them. But how quickly they consume.

Are my standards for what makes a year good based primarily on how I feel about my accomplishments, accomplishments that fade so quickly? They are truly fragile. As I live my 25th year, may I learn to find my stability in the Lord and His character. May I see the effects of his hand in my life, and find my contentment in them rather than my own strivings for success.

Twenty Four

In the past, birthday mornings have been typically cheerful occasions, but not this twenty-forth morning. I rose early to prepare for work and despaired over my situation. Twenty four years, one less from twenty five, and what have I done with myself? I know men in my position who are working on their second degree, or married, or who are off having adventures around the world. And here I was, no close to my ambitions than I was a year ago, still in my parents home, working a position that betrays my years poured into the company - in short, a mess of a man. In one year I will be 25 years old. If I were to then find myself in the same position, how could I face myself? I shuddered to think of where that despair might lead me.

The morning sun and Paul Simon's Graceland in my headphones cheered me up by the time I arrived at work, where the hugs and well-wishes of my many friends greeted me.  But it was mid-morning text from my pastor, Gavin, who forced a change of perspective and attitude on me. "Grace to you as you celebrate another year of God's mercies to you."

Mercies to you. Now that's a different way of looking at things. With such perspective, my success is not measured by how well I've done with myself, but by how gracious my Creator has been to me. What have I to complain about, really? What do I actually deserve? In such light, these years have been mercies indeed.

He continued. "It's been wonderful to watch how the Lord has grown you in these past few years. Keep on." With this attitude, I'm not looking at what I've done well and what I've achieved, but what the Lord has done in me. This is progress of a different kind, a supernatural work that I can not account for on my own. How could I give up? How could I discard His handiwork in me?

I reflected on the days that made up this last year. There have been few notable events to mark it, and, unlike the year before, less dark clouds of troubled turmoil. I got sick for several months. I wrote some things I was proud of. I was successful in a somewhat unchallenging work environment. I happily spent several months on my own. I planned an exciting trip to Portland and complete a graduate level college course. In short, the had the typical share of pleasures, events, disappointments, heartache, and ups and downs.

That evening, my family and a handful of excellent friends gathered on our beautiful acreage. We ate dozens of chicken kebabs, baskets of fresh pita breads, bowls of fruit and salad, about two chocolate cakes, and Chemex after Chemex of coffee, all prepared by my sisters while I was at work. We laughed, partly because of the sharp wits on display in that room, but mostly in delight over these remarkable people and the joy they brought. My parents told stories of their courtship while training teens on tall ships, stories that looked back and remembered with gratefulness.

We then pulled into the music room and gathered around the grand piano. Violins, clarinets, and guitars were produced, a couple iPads served as our hymnals, and for about an hour we sang some of my favourite songs: "Let Us Love and Sing and Wonder," Let All Mortal Flesh Be Silent," "Erie Canal" (the Bruce Springsteen song, not a hymn), "Jesus I My Cross Have Taken," "Oh Perfect Love Come Near to Me," and "On Jordan's Stormy Banks I Stand".

Farewells were said. Hugs were exchanged. Guests departed to their corners of the city and our family headed into our rooms and to bed. And so I am content. Not because things couldn't be better. Not the because the frustration will end. Not because things have changed. But because I can trust the One who is guiding me, and I can see his hand at work.

"Soul, then know thy full salvation

Rise o’er sin and fear and care

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

Think what Father’s smiles are thine,

Think that Jesus died to win thee,

Child of heaven, canst thou repine."

Reflecting on 2015

On New Years Day I was up at 5:30 a.m.,  driving to Estavan, Saskatchewan so I could celebrate a dear friend's wedding. This necessarily cut short any time for typical New Year’s reflections. I had hoped to write something, at least list of my favourite albums, books, and films of 2015, but as January rolled into February and nothing happened, such plans seem ridiculously late to implement now.

But taking the time to celebrate what God has done is surely worthwhile, especially during the boring and wearisome month of February. And I've written a fair bit about about some of the trials of this past year. Now I want to take some time to reflect on the blessings and joys of 2015. So here is a list of (some) my favourite things from the year; the experiences that I’m so thankful for, the riches that "overflow and flood the plain" of my life.

Travels 2015

My vacation to Hornby Island and Portland was, in so many ways, just what I needed. I left in great uncertainty and arrived home rejoicing in how God used the trip to build me up in His Gospel and to clarify my plans for the year ahead. My time at Hornby was in turn relaxing and convicting, preparing me for a trip to Portland. Here I was able to witness the creativity and faithfulness of its local church, through visits with The Bible Project and Humble Beast.

Writing about Portland

In late Autumn I was sick for about a month and a half, which gave me time to pull out the recordings I took during the interviews I conducted in Portland. I edited these into a couple of essays, with the proofreading and morale support of my friend Andrew. The essay on The Bible Project was well received when it was published and I plan on releasing the one on Humble Beast soon. Hopefully this is just the start of many more interviews, essays, and even trips.

The Troubles

“Things might have been different, but they could not have been better” says a character in Tolkien’s autobiographical short story Leaf by Niggle. It’s funny how the darkest bits of your life are the bits that you can’t do without. It was hard. And I wish it happened differently, but I see now the reasons why it might have happened. Working through this whole experience was a challenge, but a delight. A handful of people have thanked me for writing about the experience in this trilogy of short essays, and I pray that’s just a small sampling of the fruit that He is growing in me.

Music with Jason

In 2014, the music team that I played with disbanded and I was heartbroken. But this last year I was invited to play with Jason Hoffer, who’s headed a number of bands, including International Cold Beat. Our music practices are more like music lesson. I’ve learned so much from playing with him, and I’ve had a hoot of fun in the process. Our style started to gel over the year (satisfying to watch), and we have some bold (and scary!) plans for 2016.

Learning Coffee

Last Christmas, my parents gave me a gift that had an impact on my next year: a Chemex, an electric scale, and a hand-powered bur grinder. Since then I’ve added a gooseneck kettle, an areopress, and an electric burr grinder. Over the year, my skill and knowledge of the art of fine coffee increased along with my equipment collection. (For example, I took cream at the beginning of the year. I now take my coffee black.) The practice of learning to craft such an exquisite beverage daily has enriched my life in so many ways. I’ll never take it back.

A Year of Reading

In 2015, I finished 72 books. My goal was to reach the end of each month having read at least 5 titles, but vacation time, exhaustion, and a month and half of sickness gave me more time. I always hope that when I look back on my list of books read, I’ve read works worth reading, works that shape the mind and cultivate the soul. This year, I can say that the titles I chose did so more often that they did not. Soon I hope to publish a list of the 22 books that impacted me the most. I was especially encouraged by the number of times certain books were exactly what I needed to read at that moment of my life.

Apple Watch

It was great fun to be part of the first generation of users for a brand new Apple device.

Well, those are (some) of my most treasured 2015 experiences. What were yours? Let’s think back and rejoice together.

Twenty-Three Years Old

Originally written September 3rd, 2015

"But I trust in you, O Lord;

I say, “You are my God.” 

My times are in your hand"

~Psalm 31:14-15a, 

It was a year of struggles and disappointments, cutting deeper and longer than any I've felt before.

It was a year of yearning and waiting, being taught to trust the hand of the One Who works all things.

It was a year of growth and endeavours, quiet and unlooked for, sweet in their steadiness.

It was a year of goodness in the Gospel, of tasting that which is yet unseen.

And so I'm being conformed to the image of His Son, for in Him is the consolation of every heartache and the aim of every endeavour. He winds them all that they may spin to showcase Him. And in Him I am satisfied.

Twenty-Three Years Old.